I skipped a day of writing and it will not be the first time. I really this time wanted to be thoughtful about how to write what I want. I am always afraid. One thing that really held me back all my life is fear. Fear that if I say something deep that it will make me vulnerable and that feeling is terrifying. When you worry all the time if someone will use your pain and your weaknesses against you, it holds you back from doing everything and saying everything you want. I am at a stage where I feel ready to do this but I still feel a bit of that fear deep down. I try to view this as a gift for my children. A legacy for them to know more about their family history and to know more about me. My children have known me through their eyes and only know a Mother who is tired, weak, and in pain lately, and earlier I had so many emotional issues that my children endured too much of that as well. I raised my daughter to be strong and not to allow anyone to show her any disrespect, or to hurt her mentally or physically. And lately my daughter has watched me tip toe around her Father always so worried about his reaction to everything, and allowing him to treat me not so nice. I think this made her lose respect for me. I have allowed this over the past 7 or 8 years, and not done more to protect her from the problems that developed. The anger and fighting that ensued when my husband returned home from Iraq was something I did not know I would have to deal with and how bad it would be. I know that his personal change made me personally change. I want my children to know I am the sum of my experiences and that everything has been for them. I may not have always made the best decisions, but after giving birth to my first child, I was forever changed, and I became more afraid than I ever thought was possible.
Today's writing will not be so bad, my first 5 years are not very clear, and the memories I have are not all bad during that time, even though my parents were not that great, it is an age where you don't notice if you have bad parents. And perspective is everything.
I shared my very first childhood memory, putting the cart before the horse so to speak. That was my first post if you did not read it. Burning down my Aunt's house, was my first memory for obvious reasons it really stands out. I will always remember that fireman's face and him wagging his finger in my face even if I cannot remember what he said. I could definitely fill in the blanks now that I am an adult and know now how very bad that was. It probably helped to label me as well because I later was labeled as a hyperactive child. There was not a lot of those a.d.h.d. and a.d.d. diagnosis' back then, so I was just called hyperactive.
There was one incident that I don't have an actual memory of my own about. I was only told about it by my Mom. She told us how my sister came by these bald spots she has on her head. My sister has 2 or 3 bald spots on her head that are maybe the size of a quarter each, and because she has such dark hair, they stand out if she puts her hair back or up. My Mom said that Jennifer spent quite a bit of time in intensive care at the hospital because of a drug overdose. She blamed me for that happening and I could not have been older than 2 because my sister was just an infant in a crib. My Mom said that I had been playing with things in a closet and there was a bag I had gotten into that had some pills in it. I had apparently been playing with these pills and put some in the crib and my sister ate some of them. I don't know the full extent of what happened, except for that she was in a coma for a short time and got these bed sores on her scalp from the hospital where she stayed. It was those bed sores that caused Jennifer's bald spots. I don't know anymore about this really. My Mother was never very detailed, for what now seems like obvious reasons, but as a child I actually felt responsible for it happening.
A few little memories took place at a tiny apartment in Indiana. I can remember playing hide and seek with my Dad and he used to hide in the funniest places. I remember seeing him, feet and head sticking out when he hid under a mattress and another time he crammed himself into an old wardrobe in our room. We laughed so hard and thought he was the funniest guy in the world. I was only a few years old at that time, I did a lot of getting into the cupboards and pouring ingredients together on the floor and doing the same with the laundry soap etc., I just got into mischief whenever possible. There was one morning that I have a strong memory of and I am not sure why other than it seemed to me like a perfect morning. I woke up before everyone else, and made a giant bowl of cereal all by myself and sat down and turned on the t.v. while I ate, then I went to the bathroom and stripped off all my clothes and instead of changing them just walked outside in just my "birthday suit" if you know what I mean. I had this cute little, rusty, squeaky, tricycle, I hopped on and started riding up and down the sidewalk and the sun was just starting to rise. I don't know how long it took but I remember my Mother running outside yelling at me "what are you doing riding around with no clothes on?" she picked me up and ran into the house and it looked like she was so embarrassed. That was my first memory of enjoying being naked. I always have for some reason and that is probably because we were raised without paying attention to nudity, it did not seem abnormal if I was sitting on the bed talking to my Mom while she was nude after just taking a shower and she was getting dressed. Each of us children seemed comfortable with our bodies and we were taught modesty but also taught that we don't need to be ashamed of our nakedness.
Where we lived in that apartment we were about a block away from a large pasture and there were a few big bulls in the pasture. I would spend a lot of time just staring at the bulls. I remember one man telling me you better stay out of there or those bulls will go after you. I don't know what went through my mind when I was 3-5 but what normally goes through the mind of a child that age. None of us will ever know. But one day I stood by the fence to the pasture and just stared for awhile and contemplated making a run through the pasture, there were only 2 problems I could see at that age, one was that I had not ventured that far from the house before and that the bulls will come after me. I apparently decided to go for it. I climbed under the bottom part of the barb wire fence and started running as fast as I could toward the far end of the pasture which was probably about a half a mile away. I ran and ran as fast as I could go, just sure that the bulls were right behind me, and when I finally looked back all out of breath, I saw the bulls standing exactly where they were before just eating and not paying any attention to me whatsoever. The bulls probably should have chased me because from that day on my parents had a heck of a time keeping from going into that pasture. I don't know if they even knew that I had done that.
For a while living in that apartment, my father worked for a short time at a sewage plant. I only remember this because he took me to work with him once and showed me around. I know I was a small child but I don't think that is a good reason for someone to enjoy a trip to the sewage plant though. I think that it was spending that day with my Dad and getting that personal one on one time made me feel special, even if the environment did not. That day we arrived and the smell, oh my gosh the smell. It was unique. My Dad walked me through every part and told me what everything did. I can remember the big tubes or tunnels with stuff coming out in every different consistency in different tubes. It was a special day at the sewage plant. I know how crazy that sounds trust me, but it is my only memory of just me and my Dad having a great Father Daughter day, it was a short time, and after that, I did not have a Father ever again.
I have a few little short memories and one was a day at Kindergarten. I remember my kindergarten was in a large room which at the time felt like the size of a gymnasium. It was so huge and we had a lot of kids in our classroom. Even at such a young age I asked questions that most kids don't. I think I would describe myself as exasperating but many grown ups probably found me annoying and an inconvenience, which is why this memory sticks out I believe. This day I remember was a day like any other I just remember there was a conversation with my teacher that irritated her. I said why do we have to have nap time. We take naps at home, I said specifically "Why are we taking a nap a school when we can take a nap at home?" This required my teacher to explain, and she was not happy about it. Probably because nothing she said made sense to me and so I just kept asking more questions and not accepting what she was saying. I never liked naps nor did I just take "because" as an answer. Thus the beginning of my pissing off all the people around me. I hate saying I was too smart for my own good, but it seems I was. Maybe I was just disrespectful, maybe these are questions all kids ask and they are just too respectful to piss off the adults they come into contact with. I was not that way. If someone I knew would not give me a satisfactory answer I would ask a stranger. I always asked too many questions in Sunday school, and that is not a place where good questions are welcome. This all brings me to one of the most relevant memories I have, it is the last memory of my childhood in Indiana.
As very young children we could not tell when there were things wrong in our parent's marriage, or to even consider them splitting up and our lives changing forever, it was probably in some ways for the best, but you always look back and wonder what you did not see. One day our Mother and Father sat us down to have a conversation, and that conversation had to do with what was to come. My Mom told us that our Grandfather was coming from Montana to take us back with him and that soon she would come and get us. She explained very little at that time but there is something big she told us and I know now that it was for her own selfish reasons she would share this with children who were ages 4 and 5. My brother was just a new baby and my Mom was keeping him with her while my Grandpa took us with him. My mother told us the story of Michelle the daughter that she gave birth to and that our Grandparents adopted. She said "now Michelle is really your sister not your Aunt. But you cannot tell her ever." You will see how well that worked out later.
Now I think I have shared about as much as I can remember of that part of my childhood, I know there is so much blank space there, I don't know why I don't remember more, but wish that I could. The next thing I remember is a road trip in the back of a motor home, on our way to Montana. I loved the road trip but my life was getting ready to change forever, from a content somewhat happy childhood to a life of so much fear and so much instability, it will show you all how I became who I did.
I did not think I would take up that much space with my first 5 years, but even those few memories took awhile to write. I will have fun with this project as I call it, but there will be many days of writing that are not going to be that fun at all. I have memories that I deliberately repress, and some that have slipped my mind and by going in this order and taking my time, I get more out of this project, I remember more and more, all the time, and will hopefully heal more than I have already. Had I written this years ago, I probably would not have been so honest, but I may have healed a bit quicker than I did. I am in a different state now it is not the same internal agony but it is a different internal agony. I now have let someone treat me in a way that I swore I would never allow to happen. I put up with things no one should and I allow behavior from my husband and my children that is unacceptable and I don't know how to fix it. I have always known how to fix things for the most part and this part I don't know how to fix. There is not much more to say about that for now but I hope one day I can tell you all that things are different and better. I hope that day comes, and I will explain more about the issues in my life that affect me now. If you read this blog, I have another that I am saving just for "Ranting and Raving". There is some opinions on there that explain a bit about what goes on in my life now. So if you have an interest in any of that you can check it out at, deepfeelingsrandomthoughts.blogspot.com and as usual thanks for reading and if you have the time, let me know what you think, either in comments or e-mail.
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