I know that right now I don't have legions of loyal followers, but that is no excuse for slacking here when I said I will try to write every day. I don't like to disappoint people, I know it is a good quality in people, it is just extreme in my case. I spent so much time when I was young, saying "I don't care what people think, and screw you if you don't like it." I had such an attitude problem, but I simply replaced one type of attitude problem for another. I am that way when expressing anything public. I am Switzerland, you would be hard pressed to find someone more sensitive to others feelings. I have been working on that because I am not sharing some true feelings to people who I consider pretty good friends. I disagree strongly with their political, and sometimes personal, ideals and don't want to just say "you're crazy." You know what I mean? I used to entrench myself in every argument trying to usually force sense into someone or everyone's heads. I am not perfect and to say I still don't allow that to happen would be disingenuous. I am baited.... wait that is a cop out, I get over heated and then I get a little insane. The reason I am keeping that previous sentence that way is that I want for people to see that I recognize or attempt to recognize where I am lacking simply because I am trying to show my family that it is important to me. Accountability, Responsibility. I think I have worn those words out for my children. I hope they have not lost their meaning.
I am starting to feel a little irresponsible for not trying to keep up with the way others are being raised. Being good is somewhat of a disadvantage if you are not also a bit street smart. My children don't understand what I am saying when I say that because they know some rough people, or what they think are. But that is different from living the lessons so many live today. A really smart man wrote a book about the new rules for living in today's society, he is a popular t.v. Doctor. These are the things I wanted my children to learn about but not have to live. You can no longer give anyone the benefit of the doubt. People look for that as a sign of weakness and thus recognize an easy mark. You have to show your boss you are doing a good job instead of hoping he will notice, because trust me there are many others that are showing the boss or telling the boss just how good they are doing. People are more cutthroat, you have to watch your back, you have to stand up for yourself, and also to know that you can resolve any problem if you try. It is hard to navigate the new rules without appearing to be a bad person, or accidentally hurting someones feelings, or telling them everything I tried to teach you will actually hurt you if put into practice in the real world. I don't want anyone to misunderstand me, what I am talking about is how we tell our children, if you work hard, it will be noticed. "The Golden Rule, Karma." Those are the things we would ideally like everyone in the world to believe in, but sadly that is not true, especially today. I know it has to be possible to still be that good person, but still flow with the changes in society. Even the changing laws are starting to go against even the basic values most of us hold dear. We are allowing mediocrity in our schools in our workplace and there is no longer pride in performance when others advance beyond you when they are an inferior employee, what can you do? I don't have all the answers, but I am trying to figure it out. I feel for them, each time I see something happen that is not fair, and I spent their whole lives saying nothing is fair, just learn to deal with it. Now everyone can say it's not fair and guess what happens? Everyone gets an award or a raise or whatever it may be. I think you get what I am saying. Talking this out truly does help. I know they will be successful in life, just because they are good people and they will not change who they are but how they operate and that is what is necessary to move forward without hurting others.
I know I have procrastinated and given excuses for the delay in starting the next chapter of my life, but this is where things get tough and I have tried to work out how I can write this and not hurt anyone. I have decided it will not be possible and that it is best for me to share the way things really were in my life. So I end this very long opening to this day's writings and start what is going to be hard but I also know I will feel so much better to be telling it.
I can sort of remember the day my Grandparents arrived to take my sister and I to Montana. I know in our young minds that we really had not comprehended what was happening. We were told that our Mom would be on her way to Montana soon.
It was a fun trip. We rode in a camper on the back of a pick up, I believe. I don't thing it was any other kind of motor home. I remember spending most of my time looking out the tiny window while laying on the bed that was over the cab of the truck. It was a first experience for us travelling.
When we arrived in Montana, we wound our way through the mountains which were unbelievable to me. I fell in love with them from the first time I spotted them. We drove into the Bitteroot valley, where my Grandfather's house was located, just outside a tiny town called Victor. The Bitteroot River flows north through several small towns all situated on the valley floor between the Rocky and Mission Mountains. The largest city was Missoula, and it is still not very large, but it is where the University is located. We turned from the old hwy, onto a small dirt road and there were very few houses in sight. Just about a half a mile down that road was my Grandparent's home. It was a large double wide mobile home and on part of the land there was a tiny little one room house that had a very old run down house, directly in front of it. I think there was about 5-10 acres of land and it was a dream for me, to have so much land to run wild on. I can remember more about the day we arrived than most other days during that year. We were shown into a home that was very nice. It was the nicest place we had ever lived. We were to be sharing Michelle's room. Remember she is my Aunt/Sister, as I explained in the previous chapter that our mother told us the deep, dark secret that we must never tell. That is that Michelle was our sister and not really our Aunt. She is two years my elder and she was adopted when she was born, by her Grandparents my mother's father and her step mother. Michelle is rather exotic looking. She has the most beautiful olive complexion, she turns a dark brown during the summer, and has very dark, thick, somewhat coarse hair, with a natural curl, she has big brown eyes, and over all I was blown away with how pretty she was when I first saw her. I am an odd duck in the family the only one with blond hair and blue eyes, my sister has a darker complexion, though not a dark as Michelle's and Jennifer also has very dark hair almost black, and brown eyes, and she can turn a dark brown during the summer when she spends a lot of time in the sun. My complexion is pink and white and I burn very easily. We could tell quickly that Michelle was not happy to be sharing her room with us. She laid down her rules and showed us the bunk beds which we were sharing and she had a bed opposite us. I remember seeing how much she had and being envious even in the beginning. And far from being welcoming and accepting Michelle made us feel as much as a nuisance as she possibly could. After all of my years of experience I can say now, I know exactly where she was coming from. There was also two older sisters of Michelle's they were Carol's daughters from a previous marriage. Carol is the woman my Grandfather was married to during that period of time and for a few years after that. I believe she was only a few years older than my mother. I will tell more about that later. Dawn was the eldest and a junior or senior in high school at the time and Christia was just a year or two younger I believe. I thought dawn was like a glamorous model. I remember thinking how I though she just had it all. Looks, smarts, and popularity. I did not see much of her during my life. When she graduated high school she was on her own from then on. Christia had this amazing, thick, long red hair, that I loved and she had freckles everywhere. She was cute and had the biggest, brightest, smile that was contagious and she was also so very kind. She seemed to have more patience with my sister and I than anyone else in the home. And she had the one thing I always wanted, a horse. My desperate love of horses started then.
I remember in the beginning, crying a lot. Missing my mother so much. I was never a kid who was cuddled and hugged and shown a lot of affection. But I knew my mom loved me and I missed her so much it hurt. I saw my sister hurting and that was the time I started to be a protector. I took on that role for many years to come. I would hold things in to try to make her feel better. I always saw Jennifer differently than most people. I saw her as fragile. I think I always have and still do. Being tough and holding things in, is like a cancer. It changes you. Things were not so pleasant. Carol was very tough on us. I know she was a young woman with two new little kids to take care of, I know many things now I wish I knew then, and maybe it would somehow have made things better. One of the first things she did was cut our hair. Both Jennifer and I arrived in Montana with hair almost to our behinds and she cut our hair all the way up. I literally had a boys haircut. Not even a bowl cut it was above the ears and everything. I know it was easier and that was why it was done. I was pretty upset about it. It was probably the only girly thing about me. Every bath time was a horror story. I don't know what kind of anger was in Carol. I have been in her position and I think about hormones and depression, those kind of things, but when you are a kid you don't understand. a 4 and 5 year old missing their mother and then experiencing a coldness from those who care from you is very hard. Any way bath time as I was saying was not good. I wanted to run and hide and did try from time to time, but nothing I did would let me get out of bath time. Carol would scrub us so hard our skin would be red. and she would use the wash rag to clean our private areas with the same vigor as the rest of our bodies. Inevitably there was soap getting into places that would burn so bad. There were many nights I lay in bed crying from the pain caused from the baths. I started to notice that I was the "problem" I guess you could say. I do not like saying it because it seems I have said it so often in my life. I think it happens because I don't let anyone see it really get to me. Although my heart was always broken. No one else could see it. I say I was the problem because I did have some behavioral issues. One was hyperactivity. Back during that time it was the late 70's and there was not all of the a.d.d and a.d.h.d diagnosis's and definitely not a bunch of drugged up kids. There was other methods of trying to "cure the problem". I did not get sugar period. None in kool-aid, no Jelly, no candy, definitely no sugar. I remember specifically a few instances, like having water while the other kids drank kool-aid or soda, just peanut butter and no jelly sandwiches, and then there was a Christmas where I remember watching everyone dump out their stocking and the other girls had these books of lifesavers and Tootsie roll banks, I know they still sell them at Christmas, I buy them for my children just because of the memory. They had candy and I had some fruit and nuts. There was more than one night I can remember sitting at the dining room table, all of the lights in the house were off except for the one above the dining room table, and everyone in the house was asleep because at dinner Carol made liver. It is the only food I cannot stomach. I would not eat it and Carol and my Grandpa told me I could not leave the table till I had eaten the piece of liver from dinner. I sat at the table while everyone slept and when everyone woke up, my head was resting on the table where I had fallen asleep.
I know it was difficult for their family to take in two kids that came from a home that had little discipline, and not much consistency. I know that Michelle was technically the baby of the family and she was incredibly spoiled. I also know that I came with a whole set of my own behavioral issues. It was during this year that the stubborn me was born. I have so much more to tell about this year of my life, and so much of a different perspective than I had then. I am sharing what I felt then and now as I go. I am allowing for the hardship that we caused. I know how difficult it can be and I have been in a nearly identical situation Carol found herself in, and I can empathize and forgive. But I wish I could forget. I experienced a level of discipline that was both excessive and at times inappropriate. I really do wish I could forget that year all together.
I am closing just as my emotions are building. I will not avoid writing. I am working on it, and I know that this will get easier and more difficult at times. I appreciate the feedback I am getting from a few people. And I will always try to keep you engaged in what I have to say. I know I did not live an exciting life, but I also know that I am not the only one to live that kind of life. Even some of the newer members of our family have or are having some of the same experiences and that breaks my heart. I have wracked my brains thinking how can I explain everything I want to explain. I just hope that my writings will somehow help them understand me. Someday.
I want to say a special I love you to Emily and Noah. The love I have for you both is tearing my heart in two. I wish I could rescue you save you and I don't even know how or what I could ever say. I know the saving needed comes from deep inside you that you may not even recognize for years to come. I don't want that to sound arrogant at all. I just know how you don't recognize the pain when you get so used to suppressing it. I just want you both to know it. You have never been far from my thoughts and are often in the forefront particularly when I was writing today. I will be here for you anytime in your life you need someone and you don't know where to turn. I will always love you both and do whatever I can even to just be there for you always.
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